One of my friends is struggling financially. He quit his job long time back and is now wanting to set up his own health coaching business.He has some shops and real esstate which is almost dormant. Which he can use to buy some open land where he can start his business swift and easily. He is however, sticking to the idea that he should make the initial money in cash himself through providing services before he could set up his natural treatment health retreats.
Now, we all know that choosing to raise initial capital to run a business is not easy. It is a lot easier to make money from business if you have space, especially i this sector of business.
But because selling his existing real estate sounds like a big decision to him, he continues avoid it and work his way to the “safe” way. Now, the problem with this seemingly safe way is it is long gone process. And the challenge is bigger and dependencies are higher.
Now, he can choose to sell the dormant properties, re-invest in new ones and take it from there.
We have the solutions available in front of us. But because the big decisions overwhelm us we avoid them and continue to stay where we are.
As i deal with life and people, i learn that people don’t look for answers and insights. They look for what suits their understanding and fits their sense of what the solution should be.
And that includes myself. That is human tendency.
Once we go into the trap of being in stealth cautious mode. We count every step. Every big decision where investment or stakes are high is overwhelming. And most problem solving is more about emotional management rather than fact finding. Of course, fact finding can help building up clarity which can eventually help in gaining confidence to take a decision. But eventually emotions is what drive our action.
Humans are social animals. We work live, operate in groups. Hence, how to deal with each other becomes an important aspect of our lives.
With our best of intentions. Our FIRST reaction when presented with any challenge, question or problem is to OFFER a solution. It is a natural instinct. Something that we all do. Unless except of course if that person is in our negative books. And we don’t want them to succeed. But if we both intentionally want the same final goal, there is no reason why we would not listen to each others and accept ideas from our teammates.
I used to do the same. But my learnings have been that people don’t accept ideas so easy. In fact, this whole process of deciding which route to take could become conflicting. And create a rift in the best of well meaning people.
I am now learning to restricting and changing my approach. Due to my not so positive experiences operating with people that candid way
. And my struggle with them not only in their personal matters but also in projects where they are higher up in the heirarchy and the decision making lies with them. Like in offices, professional set ups.
What should happen when you try to help someone? Or solve a problem? If not getting a lot of credit then at least implementation of the solution and see that things are getting better, right?
What would happen in most cases in my experience was I faced opposition just to offer a solution. In some cases it was mild, avoidance of the idea. Or an irrational reason to invalide it. And sometimes extreme cases, where I was ridiculed.
May be you can also relate with this!
We get such heated responses for suggesting solutions that are incomprehensible by the stakeholders.
Also, on the other hand, we don’t like others telling us what is right. We want to choose what WE feel is the best.
This is where lies the ambiguity and complexity. Some issues are simple, visible straight forward. Most people are like to thank you if you inform them that there’s a fire in their backyard. Or provide them critical info where there is a direct , visible certain benefit.
But once things get complex and stakes get high. The story changes.
In such examples, where position and power has to be preserved. Or what’s at stake is crtical, giving suggestions, solutions and getting them implented can be an heck of an ordeal.
I have been in such situations where I was part of teams, organizations and even in my close family friends circles. I noticed that my suggestions were usually not recieved very well.
An important factor is also, how close (intruding) the relation is. In such cases, where friendship is stronger, or involvement is deeper and i tried asserting my role in the decision making process, I noticed thatPeople were miffed.
Or would sideline or ignore my “humble honest solution/suggestion” that was in THEIR benefit and interest.
I use to feel injustice and it was painful many times. Especially, i had invested either my emotions, or there was a share of my stake in the matter in questions.
In many cases though, i had nothing to gain from the proposed solution , the success of it. But i still recieved the same response.
And I used to think, “Well hey, I am not selling anything. There’s nothing in it for me. Why is this person not listening and at least trying out, what i am suggesting?”
But now, when I introspect , i reckon it was only fair that they behaved that way!
Is nt it? We comprehend the language we know. We wil take the answers that will make sense to us.
And we know our situation the best. Yes?
its not that simple
As much as we want the decisions to be in our hands and do what we feel is right. We must understand that sometimes, an outsider can bring us a better perspective that we might have missed being overwhelmed being in the situation.
While how so ever rational and mindful we might be. our inner automated fear and overwhelm can over power all logics. It can happen with the best of the people.
Then, in some cases one person can have better understanding and experience of the challenge at hand. In that case also, it can only help to listen to them carefully.
Now, one may contest that i am trying to impose my thought process on others and
For that, we have to make a clear distinction on critical and non-critical issues. I am not at all saying that that listen to what i am saying. I am the expert. But my humble request is that at least give it a good listen. Give a valid reason on why it cannot be implemented. Or even tried for that matter?
Tell me, why i should not voice my opinion and suggest a solution on critical matters?
This is what i thought, but slowly and gradually, i understood. Oh well, people don’t operate this way!
There’s a difference in what we ideate and read in books and what happens in reality. And after careful obsersation, i now think, Why do i even expect people to implement the solution i present without they having a context/ground/clarity to it?
Not everyone can be cut for the uncertainty or embracing the change.
Being a “mindful thinker” does not come naturally to most human beings. Also, being brave and experiment and accepting failure as a part of the process is nt easy either.
Heck, even the best “thinkers” go back to their primal ways of automated REACTING to situations , rather than thinking and ACTING on them after due diligence.
My learning hence been that some cases people will accept new ideas are:
- when they submit to the authority (credentials) of who’s speaking it.
- the subject matter it is simple to understand. The proposed solutions is visibily working.
- Or the decision makers have developed an habit really analyzing the situation.
- stakes are low
When i deal with people, in my personal life and social projects. Where money/power was not the primary motice. Where the PROJECT and solution was a COMMON goal.
I found myself researching on a problem and after a lot of home work present solutions. But in most cases they were not accepted.
Do i want people to be subservient to my ideas? Hell no! From the sun to the moon NO!
These are the places which should ideally be collaborative.
Not aiming to make money or gain competitive advantage of any sort over one another. Here i want to talk about situations where either the challenge or problem in question was either their personal or a common to us.
The purpose in such context, is to take better decisions, for ourselves and others.
Better decisions comes out from better discussions and context building/education. Experimentation, perspectives and all such things. And making sense of some things can be a lengthy process. Especially in complex abstract cases.
It also depends on how complex abstract the problem is
I mean,lets say you tell me that you are hungry and if i tell you that there’s an apple in the fridge, you would nt need a context (as you probably already have it, you know what an apple is, you know it will quench your hunger). You would thank me for letting you know and go and eat the apple.
If i tell you that there’s a fire in your backyard. You would thank me for it!
But lets say, if you are struggling as a parent. Your child is not studying properly and if i suggest that this is happening because you are over controlling your child. Chances are instead of thanking me, you will show me the door.
Because these are abstract and complex topics. And when there’s lack of clarity about things we allow our instincts to take over.
In a state where stakes are high, the best we want to do is take control and plan every step ahead. We don’t want to take big risks. We don’t want to make big changes. We don’t want to let go of control from our hands.
But you know what? Most innovations and problem solving go through EXACTLY the above mentioned steps.
I don’t know who you are. Or your situation. But i can BET that if you are in a problem, there’s a good chance that you have nt tried taking risks, making changes, taking big decisions. You are avoiding all of them and that’s the reason why you continue to be where you are.
And that’s the reason why you continue to be where you are, you have to hit the CORE of the problem somtimes and beating around the bush looks grand , active and hard work. But that does nt translate to change or better situations
Mind you, none of these steps are always going to be smooth. there will be negative outcomes, failures. it will be a bumpy road. But in the process you will find that you have COME OUT of the RUT you were in, and eventually you will find yourself in a better place.
I was talking to a jobless young man, in his late twenties. He was depressed because he was out of work since couple of years. Now, he was a fairly well educated man.
What makes some people embrace uncertainty and solutions faster than others?
Answer is Strong Emotional foundation.
A person who is in abundance and feeling safe mindset. Will adopt changes faster.
One who has learnt to take challenges and tasted the joy of embracing uncertainty by practicing it. By exposing himself to “seemingly difficult situations ” will accept whacky ideas faster. For him, making changes won’t be as daunting as someone who has nt practiced it.
Reminds me of the viral video where this man was crying his heart out which was so funny. You can google “Paragliding Funny” to see the video.
This man went on this paragliding trip for the first time, and he was shooting a vlog with camera in his hand. And he lost
Again the same man after a few months, gliding through
There are a lot of observations from above incident.
- What’s painful for some, is funny for others.
- Lack of exposure leads to our fear of that situation. We imagine the worst and want to avoid it at all cost.
- Once exposed and experienced it. We develop the clarity and confidence and are not afraid anymore.
And why do some people have stronger emotional balance than others?
It epends on their background, how much they were loved as a child. How much have they experimented and learnt to take risks. How much are they OK with adapting with any sitaution. If they have practiced stoicism knowingly or unnknowingly.
What is stoicism? Stoicism is a greek philosophy which advocates expanding our comfort zones by exposing ourselves to difficult situations even if there’s no urgency to do it.
This emotional balance gets build up, only through these inteventions. Someone who
As humans step into modern times, they become more and more industrialized in their approach on paper. But in reality, we forget that we have the same primal minds that are driven through primal instincts.
It is the feelings and emotions that drive our actions, unless there is some other intervention or training in mindful thinking.
I have been called negative and ridiculed for informing someone how their favorite employee is backstabbing them and cheating them. I worked hard to collect the proofs.
I attacked and questioned not that employee, but their trust. Their knowledge and belief system. I questioned their thought process, not that employee.
I did nt realize this was a blunder from my side. I was innocently speaking what i saw with all hope that i will be rewarded. But i was hated for trying to do good.
With all the right intentions, i collected the proofs and presented in front of them. to the point that they could nt deny that this proofs were invalid. And eventually, they could nt defend the indefensible and eventually the employee was fired out.
But the moment that happened, they started hating me for “getting this done”. The fact, that their comfort zone, trust with that employee was shaken by me. Destroyed by me was too much for them to handle. And they started opposing me on every little big thing. And it got so worse that eventually i had to leave and i left saying that i am leaving because of this exact same reason.
Once, i left, i was called a negative person. Who does nothing but looks for shortcomings in people and knit pick others. I was also questioned
As we live our life, we build belief systems, about processes, people, places, systems. These beliefs are a subset of our knowledge systems that help us live our life.
It is only obvious that anyone telling us the opposite would shock and pain us.
Belief and knowledge system help us SURVIVE. Any knowledge helps us in surviving and thriving.
This knowledge becomes part of us. And then any such FACTS when questioned or attacked make us feel attacked personally. And we are primed to respond to attack with, an attack.
Reminds me of the quote
“it is easier to fool people, then to convince them that they are being fooled”– Mark Twain
What this essentially, means is that people get fooled because the solutions/ideas presented to them cater to their knowledge/belief system.
It requires mindfulness to look beyond ourprevious experiences and QUESTION these beliefs/knowledge systems which have now become a part of us.
Questions can be scary, as it rattles our comfort zones. And make us think. And accept the facts.
So i that same context, i would say
“It is easier to sell a seemingly bright looking idea to people, that might not be the BEST solution or may be even counter productive. And it is very difficult to sell a solution that looks bad on surface, but might eventually solve a lot of problems “
I see how people around me mismanage their situations. Making things complicated, some of them are in the business of running educational institutions. I have my observations and opinions/suggestions on what they can do to solve their problems.
If you have ever read about procastination, you will find that we procastinate things that matter the most.
Strange is nt it ? Yes it is. We avoid doing things that will actually solve our problems. Because we are too much conscious and worried about how the outcome would be. It is scary and we want to avoid taking that risk. So we stay back with what gives us a sense of certainty and safety.
I see and observe this everywhere, as an observer of life.
Also, when i talk about this. I mean to talk about critical issues. Issues that are hampering someone’s happiness. Or reducing the quality of life for someone.
We don’t like being told. We want quick, tangible, simple solutions that fit our comprehension system.
These are all human tendencies and once we are aware of them, we can build a habit to put a checkpoint. And try to improve our thought process. And eventually take better decisions and actions.
I saw how my near and dear ones were making their life complicated. And i would give them solutions/ideas and would expect that BINGO, life would get better.
I will be liked, thanked, validated.
But …. that does nt happen in majority of the cases. that’s not how people and life work.
Now, i am not saying that i know it all. In fact, i see the same tendency in myself that i am talking about. If tomorrow you come and ask me to do something to solve a problem i am in. There’s a good chance that i would either avoid you. Or ask you to stop giving me advice.
I feel agitated whenever someone would come and give me an unsolicited advice. I am no superman there either. But if i stop and think, and really observe the situation. There is a good chance that sometimes that person is bringing in an insight that might break the locked doors and get me what i want faster and easier.
This is also not to say that i am the expert and always right. No one is invincible, and i am the last person to call myself always right. May be i am more wrong that the MOST wrong person in the world.
But i believe that the worst (if that exists) of the person on the planet should get a fair chance to be heard. The most stupid person can give an idea which the best scientists probably cannot think of.
This is not a romanticized thought but a reality. Yes, I totally believe that this is an absolute possibility. This is how world is designed and this is what happens.
I have many a times heard the most insightful things from little children. And some of the dumbest things from adults. Even experts of their own subject matters.
Life is complex, and the permutations and combinations are vivid that it can surprise us with unexpected phenomenons that we probably cannot plan or expect to happen beforehand.
It is only wise to listen to the idea and not look at the source of it.
Sure, we must have multiple check any idea coming from a stupid/unauthentic source. But negating or accepting an idea just seeing the source is a trait of untrained irrational mind.
I don’t want people to follow my advice as a verbatim doctrine. I don’t want to follow others like that either.
All i expect is having that democratic free space, to allow me to test my suggestions/ideas. I don’t mind the CHECKS being put, questions being asked.
And i should in turn also allow that space to others as much as possible.
What i don’t like is closed doors. And i feel unheard and suffocated in such a situation. Especially if i feel connected to the matter at hand. Or the person who is suffering.
I consider myself “immature” and childlike. I hear that a lot from people “grow up”
Earlier, I would give suggestions without being asked for. I mean, that’s what a child does,
Is nt it?
Speaking without calculating too much. Without inhibitions. Speak from a free mind and get to the point straight and quick.
But I have observed that this is not how people operate. Esp when they are in crisis and want a solution and want it fast, simple, easy.
When i see people around me suffering, my first instinct is to give them all solutions that i can think and know of.
Some of those solutions look stupid on surface or don’t sound relevant and are hence, rejected and thrown out of the window. Or kept on a lower priority.
There are certain cases, where you can literally see and understand how wrong it is, but you don’t have any say in the matter. And all you can do is only watch and let all of the wrong happen. Or speak and become the villain/negative person and lose the validation.
And that is really painful.
In the heat of the moment, i am usually not able to explain the LOGIC/RATIONALE behind that idea which was thrown out.
I don’t get a chance to test or implement that idea. I think the cause is lost, we lose as a
This was the SOLUTION just thrown out. Damn it! I am sure you all can relate to that feeling!
Sometimes, the idea is kept in the file into the archive for a distant future date that feels like eternity. And that again makes me feel agitated.
I mean don’t we all feel angry if something that is valuable and critical is lost? Or something that we FEEL will solve a crisis is not practiced, or postponed for forever?
Slowly and gradually, after repeated experiences of this sort, and constant agony. I started introspecting on why does this happen. And i learnt how humans operate and think. And slowly i realised that somewhere down the lane, my expectation is incorrect.
Just how language cannot be learnt in a day. Intrinsic motivation to do something cannot come from purely passing of information. Because unless people have the context, and eventually the clarity, they just won’t get it.
Action or inaction is driven by reward, clear understanding OR fear.
This communication gap happens mostly in complex cases. Where things are not simple, straight forward, tangible and crystal clear. Or having instant results.
Read my article on Roots of wrongs in the world, where I explain that any wrong in the world happens because of three reasons
- Its not in somebody’s interest
- Its not Visible/Tangible/ easily measurable
- The result is not instantaneous (The time to result principle), difficult to correlate
These are self explainatory and you can read those articles to understand what they exactly mean.
But to give you an example, harmful medicines are sold in the market because someone is profiting from them and it is in their interest that it is still being sold. And because their ill and side effects are either not visible / trackable or they are not instant hence difficult to correlate
People normalize verbal abuse and pressurizing because the damage done is not tangible/visible. People keep consuming alcohol because the result and side effect is not instant.
Instnat Slow and seemingly safe , poisons like pesticides kill more people than cynide every year. Many phenomenons take time to prove right or wrong. Also, sometimes it is nearly impossible to establish a correlation, because exact uniformity is not possible in many cases.
The best we can find is a pattern And in that case also, it is hard to establish what factors exactly cause what led to the outcome. And hence, the wrong continues to exist.
coming back to our original discussion. I am trying to HELP others, it is in their interest, our interest. I am trying to solving their problems, make things better for them or for US as a common stakeholder.
But I come across as an enemy rather than a friend, while doing this. We can be our own worst enemies sometimes.
All when lack of “context/clarity/understanding” of the thing. When we are sticking to our comfort knowledge zones. O
Just how its only a connoisseurs can understand the value of a piece of stone (diamond). Only a person who understand
Same way, my friend who is struggling keeping the employees, does nt see a point of giving more freedom to its employees because she cannot connect the dots on how giving more freedom would lead to better employee productivity and growth of the organization.
Lack of understanding and sometimes even lack of clarity on HOW much freedom is good and not. Is lacking.
Sometimes the GAP between what seems will work and what not, is very narrow like the employee case above. the only debate is on HOW much freedom should be given etc.
But in certain cases, the GAP is very wide and the proposed solution might sound totally opposite to what would ever work.
For example, when I say parents should nt try to TEACH anything to children. Or that children should be LEFT free. With least interventions.
This all sounds too stupid of a solution to proper parenting and such suggestions are usually brushed aside. This solution is very abstract for their understanding. And requires more thorough put before they can see the science behind it.
Same goes for health issues, if i suggest you that if you have a cold, its best to not take any medicine and just take sleep.
People don’t value solutions, unless until they can SEE the relevance of it. Or the whole equation of how it will impact the outcome.
Also, not everyone can have the tendency to experiment/check the suggestion in detail.
People lack time, will , wit these days. Fact finding and rationalizing needs some resources.
Now, the most difficult part is, that in certain cases, we would nt have the LOGIC available. We might have to embrace some uncratinty and experiment with the idea.
But most people who are in a habit of living with fear and wanting to reduce any risks. will never embrace uncertainty and always side with certainty filled straight forward solution, even if it is not working for them.
Comfort zone is exactly that!
A place, which gives us comfort but does nt solve anything. And keeps us in pain all the time.
When i see one of my friends, struggling to manage their finances and making money. My first easiest instinct would be to tell them how they can sell their non-performing assets and get the other way. Sell their big house, invest some in business, generate some income. And solve their problems.
But the comfort zone (emotional) attachment to the pride of owning that big house stops them from doing that.
Giving an idea that challenges that comfort zone is nothing short of dumbingly heroic. It is not only negated but also frowned upon.
When i see one of my friends struggling with retaining their employees, the easiest thing i would
When you are reading this, it might sound plain obvious and simple. But if you observe, you will find that even if we KNOW
What we lack is clarity and most of us are operating our actions through our automated emotions.
Unless we have a CLARITY we cannot take decisions going against how we FEEL about things.
I have written about how to help others. Where i mention that in complex situations merely passing information does nt help a person. One has to walk together or provide a person the enabling ground so they can act on it.
This has been my learning about how to deal with people. And that includes myself.
Our automated inner feelings don’t allow us to think and ponder and build context.
Especially when we are desperate, and overwhelmed. We make choices that APPEAR best on surface.
This is not to say, that all decisions taken this way are always going to be wrong. But the probablity of going wrong by operating this way would be MUCH higher than
For years, i lived with this pain and agony of not being heard. Of not getting proper space to allow my ideas and suggestions a FAIR chance.
But once i understood this phenomenon i made two changes in my thought process.
- Not expecting people to submit to my ideas
- Build context of the ideas that eventually they will reach to same conclusion
By not expecting people to submit to my ideas, i have at least saved myself from having any of such expectations.
This has also made me look less intruding or taking their autonomy.
I am also not leaving the situation or activism away either. I now, take permission before giving any suggestion/solution. And answer ONLY when asked for.
I also try to remain an informer/reporter rather than expecting any decision. Its like i leave the newspaper like a postman and run away from their lives instead of being part in decision making process and be a part of it. And sharing MY opinions on what should or should nt be done.
People like to be in command of their own life. They want themselves to be at the driving seat. They don’t like others driving their lives. Unless that person is AUTHENTIC and have credentials. ALSO, i would nt want people to LISTEN to me, because of either of those.
Because submitting to authority and Credentials is again putting oneself into the chance of “following” without understanding. Which may also be right in certain cases. But this is also the ROOT of why we are in a bad situation. Or doing things which are incorrect.
I am trying to “grow up” and counting my words before i speak. I am trying to “train and restrain” myself from what i expect from others. I think, I understand all of this now.
But sometimes, this whole process seems like such a drag.
I mean, I can see the fire, i can see the hose, i am shouting here’s the SOLUTION to calm the fire. But because the other stake holder cannot see the hose, they think i am IMPOSING and INTRUDING.
I try to bring the HOSE myself, and get into the process. And they REACT with anger, for taking decisions and intruding in THEIR journey.
I am the last person who come across as authority or bring any credentials. I am the guy who is walking on the street and you would nt even notice.
Due to lack of materialistic achievements, most people would
add mentalism thing
also other theories and thinking
introduction to parinda project and links
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